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Wednesday, 04 November 2009

  • Things I could use right now:

    1.) A professional back massage/chiropractor visit (perhaps its time to visit the aunt and uncle)

    2.) A long bath complete with music (my own collection, with Pandora's and 102.9's added to it) and candles.

    3.) A device to make my brain just...stop. For like...the length of my bath. I want to receive sensory information but not process it to lengthy extents. The reason for it is this: (as said by blogger Blythe, who apparently feels the same as I do):

    "since when have i turned into this emotional wreck? i find myself questioning every little thing, seeing people in a not so pretty light; making inferences on what it meant if they said this or did that. and then i think to myself, glancing at whoever it is from far... are you that oblivious to how i'm feeling right now; or what i'm thinking right now? why can't you feel what i'm feeling...?

    and then i would remain as quiet. withdrawn.

    i assume i'm having problems over control - ie. over my life (or something to that effect) that leads to dissatisfaction? *shrugs* for the whole time i can just sit there in the group and watch how people speak.. their gestures... etc. sigh. i really haven't a clue... bloody hell i'm making no sense again.

    ....

    and its when i try to turn to someone for help, thats the worse part. most of the times whoever it is doesn't get the hint (hints because; i'm too stubborn to even admit that something's up with me), and thats when i give up even trying; turning to solitude. soon after, they'd think it normal ... no?"


    (ref: http://free2groove.blogspot.com/2007/06/too-introspective-too-observant-too.html)

    4.) Additions to my book collection, which is dwindling thanks to extended train rides.
    5.) Train rides without delay of any kind and plenty of empty seats
    6.) Exercise. plain and simple. I feel so much better with it.
    7.) Less processed foods and any sort of canned food (yes, I know the two categories overlap but theres a reason for each)
    8.) Energy.
    9.) Time alone. This is going to sound crazy, but I need time to talk to myself out loud. Oddly enough, I feel much better when I talk it out then think it out- especially considering the fact that thinking it out takes much longer and I have much more time to think so it becomes an obsession with over-rationalization and guilt trips (forced on myself).
    10.) A manicure and pedicure. Its one thing I can do that makes me feel much cleaner, tidier, and neater. In effect, it also makes me more confident and that sort of self-esteem helps relationships in many aspects.
    11.) A kitten. I really want something to look after. I think this would make me less clingy with Derek and also would help my horomones stray from getting excited when I see a baby. Not yet young body, not yet.
    12.) The ability to communicate to my wonderful boyfriend that I did once have a life and that life included going places without him). I really want to take a trip up to visit friends but that is seemingly impossible to do. He would be totally offended if I left him alone for a weekend. Then again, I would be too.
    13.) Medicine for something I should have gone to the docs about weeks ago...my poor kidneys.

    That will be all. Thanks for listening/reading.

Friday, 11 September 2009

  • Just a little defense.

    My horoscope on MSN today read:
    "You may feel impatient with the status quo today, but don't issue ultimatums. A few, well-chosen, diplomatic words will get you further, faster. Right now, the key to getting what you want is compromise, so be prepared to give a little ground. It could pay off sooner than you think. If you let others feel that they are in control, you could also win career backing from an unexpected quarter."
     
     
    Which is really eerie given the state of things. I am super impatient today. I want Derek to say all the right things to make me feel normal, and when he doesnt I blame him for acting weird. Lately I've been too demanding as far as my questioning as to where he's going and who he's gonna be with. So I DO have to compromise on that..and I know that I have to give up a little ground. It's not fair for me to complain about his questioning if I do the same. I do expect it to pay off...but I want that now. I realize I need to let him feel like he's in control a little and at the same time give him some space and do my own thing. Which is really what I needed all along because I've been getting very depressed and lonely. I miss watching my weird movies, listening to my weird music, and having strange conversations with my ultimately weird friends. I want  my Arbonne business to expand but I don't allow it because Derek doesn't like the idea. So all in all, I've been letting him dictate my life mostly because I'm not stepping up to the plate. In turn, I am controlling his life and he is getting impatient. I'm REALLY talented at picking up soemone's feelings, even if its only from a text. So when I dont see the same words in the texts he usually sends, or if its worded differently, I know. And it's immediate. And it changes my mood and perception of things considerably. Actually, its almost as if I take on the demeanor that I EXPECT the other person should have...almost setting up a defense for feeling foolish. Do I think I have trust issues? Yes, of course. Because I'm always the first one to cheat just to put up a line of defense (have a second option) if the one falls through. And I've stopped that completely. So without that defense I've used for so long I now have taken to distrusting Derek and putting blame on him based on wild assumptions that I am only making because I'm sitting around all day thinking and thinking. And that's my problem to begin with, just like my real mom, I think and overthink everything. I think about what was said, how it was said, what wasnt said, etc. I do this until I've broken the concept down to such tiny pieces that putting it back together into reality doesn't happen. it's almost like if you shattered a vase into little pieces and expected to put each smidgen back together as the same thing. It's just not gonna happen. As a matter of fact a majority of the "truths" I put together are just like the new vase, totally different. And  I don't mean for it to happen. At all. It's just the fact that I think about everything so much

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

  • Things I Don't Understand Pt. 2

    When on the phone, a task I abhor to the upmost, I never know what to do. If someone is telling a story and I'm quiet the whole time, the person eventually says "hello?" or "are you still there?" but if, during the story, I say "mmmhmm" or "yeah" the person gets all confused as to why I am interrupting-ish.

     

    I hate talking on the phone.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Wednesday, 22 July 2009